Marriage Tips for Special Needs Parents, by Anne Jones

I must admit I felt intimidated writing this article. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, twelve of which have entailed caring for our special needs son. I am not going to pretend to have all the answers for a strong marriage under these circumstances, but these are some tips that have helped us.

Discover Each Other’s Preferences

When we were just a few years into our marriage, we attended an evening course on Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages®.” These five languages highlight some of the main ways that people experience feeling loved. Knowing the other person’s preferences makes it easier to make sure he/she feels loved and seen, especially when time and energy can be limited. For example, my husband makes coffee for me when he can because he knows that I feel loved through his service. While it doesn’t take more than a couple minutes in his day, this means a lot to me when I am running out the door to take my children to school. I, in return, try to make sure I give him meaningful and sincere compliments because he values being affirmed. To learn more and take a quiz on what might be your preference(s), you can visit https://5lovelanguages.com/learn. Keep in mind that these preferences may change over time, so it is helpful to occasionally revisit them in your marriage.

Carve Out Time for Each Other Together and Individually

As special needs parents, it can be especially difficult to find time or a sitter to have a date with our spouses. Don’t be afraid to ask a trusted friend or family member or use respite hours to help you and your spouse have an hour away together, even if it means staying close to your house or going for a walk in the neighborhood. Sometimes, when it has been hard to get a sitter, we have done a “date night in” with picking up food and playing a game while the older children hang out in their rooms for the night. This time together is so crucial to helping marriages stay healthy. 

It can be helpful to make sure you and your spouse occasionally get your own time away, too. Think about what you personally need to get a break and don’t be shy about talking with each other about this. A monthly dinner out with friends that gives you that break, for example, can make a difference not only in “filling your cup” as a special needs parent, but ultimately in your marriage too.  

Be on the Same Page as Much as You Can

Having a special needs child means extra planning for us when the routine is changed. We must be very careful to maintain boundaries and set clear expectations with others so that it keeps experiences positive for the whole family. This often means discussing the plan together in advance, whether it’s how we are going to approach a situation, how long we are going to stay, what discussions we need to have ahead of time with family members or friends, or even having a shared signal that it is time to leave.  This also holds true with letting your spouse know if you have made plans with your special needs child for something; for example, if there was talk about going out for ice cream after attending a basketball game. While we aren’t perfect at this, we have found that trying as much as we can to both being on the same page has significantly lessened frustration with the other person.  

It’s the Little Things That Matter (or Don’t)

One of the things that has helped our marriage significantly is doing little things for each other. It might be picking up a favorite snack occasionally or doing a chore that was on the other’s list of things to do. A quick text, a funny meme around a shared joke, or quick phone call can go a long way. It can be easy to get wrapped up in feeling like you need to do big gestures of love, and there is nothing wrong with doing those things, but often it can be hard with parenting a special needs child. Doing these small acts of love can be just as meaningful.

On the other hand, one of the biggest things that we have come to learn is that we must, for the good of our marriage, let things go that would not normally annoy us but do because we are feeling the stress of parenting a special needs child. There are days or even seasons that are extremely difficult and these situations can build up frustration and division, though it is certainly important to address issues that are affecting your marriage. Should you find yourself in a place where issues are hard to reconcile on your own or you want outside help, Catholic dioceses offer marriage resources and you can search by state at https://www.foryourmarriage.org/find-support/. There are also Catholic weekend retreats for couples to strengthen their marriage. A good place to check for these types of events is in your parish bulletin or at your diocesan website. 

Pray, Pray, Pray

Finally, pray for your marriage. We need God’s grace to help our marriages thrive. Find a little way to incorporate a prayer for your marriage and your spouse into your daily routine. It could look like building it into your prayer time or a quick prayer as you make your bed or brew your morning coffee.  Pray and read scripture together if you can. Saints Louis and Zélie Martin are great saints to ask for intercession for your marriage.

Be encouraged to keep going; to keep pouring your love into your spouse and your family. God sees your effort, especially on those days when it is hard to get through the next five minutes. Know that in your crosses in life and in your marriage, you are seen, loved, and cared for deeply by your Heavenly Father. This Valentine’s Day, I hope you and your spouse can find a few moments together and I would love to hear your suggestions for ideas that have helped you in your marriage. St. Valentine, pray for us!

Reference: 

“What Are the 5 Love Languages®?” Love Languages®, Love Language Brand, 2026, 5lovelanguages.com/learn. Accessed 8 Feb. 2026.