Letting Go of Expectations This Ash Wednesday, by Jenn Leja

Ash Wednesday is a sensory experience of something holy that’s hard to put into words. It’s a spiritual feeling made physical in the ashes that touch our foreheads. It’s a tactile reminder of the 40 days of Lent, when Catholics focus on prayer, fasting and almsgiving.

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.

When teaching my children about Ash Wednesday, I first described the physical process of receiving ashes at Mass:

• It’s only done once per year.
• The priest invites persons wishing to receive ashes to come forward after the homily.
• The ushers help guide recipients into orderly lines.
• The priest will say, “Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return,” or “Repent and believe in the Gospel.”
• The priest will apply ashes to the forehead in a small cross.
• The recipients will return to their seats for silent prayer before the Mass continues.

My focus then turned to the meaning behind the phrase: “Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return.” We took out our children’s bible and read the story of Adam and Eve in Genesis 2: 4-9.  “The Lord God formed the man out of the dust of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being” (v. 7). God created Adam just as He created each of us, and one day each of us will leave our mortal bodies behind on this earth and return to Him.

As a parent of a child with disabilities, I am in a cyclical process of grief. Parents with disabilities grieve at different parts of their kid’s lives: when we receive the initial diagnosis, when our kids don’t meet milestones, during major surgeries, and at so many other times. When I hear, “Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return,” it brings the issue of mortality into sharper focus for me and spurs many questions: Will my child die before me? What if my husband and I die first? Who will take care of her and advocate for her? Will anyone love her the way I love her? Will she be safe without me? My daughter is medically complex, and we’ve had several stays in intensive care, along with surgeries and many visits to doctors, all of which cause my daughter pain and anxiety. I lean upon Mary at these times, and I often pray with the Pieta’s image of Mary holding Jesus’ body fixed in my mind. She more than anyone understands when a child suffers. How did she feel? Many days when I am overcome with grief or worry, I have no words in my prayer, but I know Mary is my heavenly Mother and she is with me in the times my daughter is sick or in the hospital. She is present to ease both my daughter’s suffering and my worry. I take great comfort in the belief that she will intercede with God to protect my daughter.

Repent and believe in the Gospel.

The second phrase the priest may say when giving ashes is: “Repent and believe in the Gospel.” For this coming Lent, my kids made sacrifice beads inspired by St. Therese of Lisieux. (You can make your own with this tutorial from Little Ways). Each time they do a good deed, they move a bead on the ring. It helps encourage them to focus on making loving choices or sacrifices for one another. Although I don’t feel that my daughter with disabilities is ready to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I encourage her to do nice things for others, especially her younger sister.

When it comes to the subject of repentance, my kids love the biblical story of Jonah and the whale. God asked Jonah to preach to the people in Nineveh, but Jonah was afraid they would attack and kill him, so he boarded a ship to flee. A great storm swelled up, and once the ship’s crew learned it was caused by Jonah’s attempt to flee his holy mission, they threw him into the sea, where he was swallowed by a great fish. After three days, Jonah begged God to show him mercy for disobeying God’s order to preach, whereupon the fish coughed Jonah up onto the shore. He traveled to Nineveh and warned the people: “Forty days more and Nineveh shall be overthrown” (Jonah 3: 4). All the people–even the king–fasted, put on sackcloth, and sat in ashes (to show they were in mourning and repenting for their sins).

My kids love acting out bible stories, so they pretended to be Jonah, the ship’s crew, the whale, and the people of Nineveh. It was fun to see how creative they could be, and how they remembered so many details of the story. I related to them how the ashes in Jonah’s story symbolized the Old Testament’s themes of repentance for sin and reminder of our own mortality–that eventually we will all meet God, and when we do, we should try our very best to be in a state of grace (meaning we have repented and sought forgiveness for our sins through the Sacrament of Reconciliation).

My younger daughter is looking forward to the experience of receiving ashes, but my elder daughter with sensory issues will likely grow anxious and resist being touched on her forehead. I’ve decided I need to let go of my preconceived expectations and allow her to be comfortable in expressing and experiencing her faith. A priest at my church talks about parents’ critical role in ensuring that kids have a good experience of faith. I was a Director of Faith Formation before I had kids, so I had developed a picture in my mind of how my children would learn the faith, just like I had taught it to others and how it had been taught to me. Now, however, I realize my elder daughter is not now and may never be ready to take the same faith journey as her peers or as I did, and that’s OK. Instead, she’ll take her own individual journey, and I’ll look to guide her where I can. I also know she’ll watch her younger sister receive ashes and be curious about them, and that may become a step in faith formation in and of itself. God has created two beautiful children that learn from one another. In grieving what I expected my experience of faith to be with my children, I see that God has something more beautiful in mind than I could have imagined it to be–seeing the love of Christ grow within and between my children. For Lent, I want to remember to stop focusing on what’s in my head and be more open to what God has placed before me and in my heart.

Other resources:

• Ash Wednesday social story explaining Ash Wednesday from Uniquely Catholic.
• Stations of the Cross for Autistic People by Autism Consecrated 
• Holy Heroes Lent Adventure– My kids love the Holy Hero Adventures. They offer free worksheets and videos acted by kids. Books and other resources can be purchased or referenced free online.